I’m not someone who’s easily offended. I’m a “live and let live” kind of gal, generally speaking, as long as you’re not hurting or bothering anyone (or yourself).
For ages, though, I found myself rolling my eyes over the same pet adoption memes again and again. But I never thought to comment on them.
Fast forward to this past week when I read a long, emotional post from a family in an adoption group I’m in talking about how one of their middle-school-aged children mentioned in a class project that he was adopted, and the other kids started saying things like: Do you think your real mom will ever come back to get you? At least you weren’t aborted! Are you afraid your adoptive parents will change their minds and give you back? and so on…
The parents’ request was simple: Please talk to your children about adoption so they don’t inadvertently crush my kid.
Juxtapose that with the pet adoption memes I kept seeing, and I finally realized there’s a teaching opportunity here!
No, I don’t harbor any delusions of changing the internet, but I also feel like when it comes to topics like adoption, there’s just not enough conversation out there. So, here’s an avenue to ask YOUR questions, add your voice, and share your ideas. I wanted to start the discussion with seemingly-harmless pet adoption memes.
There are two memes in particular I want to address: the “you’re not my real mom” meme and the “adopt love” meme.
Real Moms
This one, you guys:
It’s everywhere with tons of different breeds.
Or there’s this version:
Everywhere.
Here’s the thing: The amazing woman who gave birth to Violet and I are BOTH her real moms. End of story. Pet adoption memes somehow imply that either the birth mom (or some prefer “first mom” or “natural mom” but it’s up to her how she wants to identify) or the adoptive mom are less “real” than the other. I can assure you, we are both real women who both have important roles in Violet’s life. Sure, it seems funny because they’re animals so obviously we’re not the mom, though I argue that many, many, many pet people do consider themselves their pet’s parent, and that’s a no-less-real role.
Using these supposedly funny pet adoption memes about “real” moms belittles and judges both women who are moms to an adoptee. It seems silly because it’s pets, but the larger message spreads the hurtful ideas that poor kiddo had to face in his middle school classroom.
Also, a small quibble with that first version: In this day and age, adoptees know they’re adopted. It should be a part of their life story because, well, it’s a part of their life. A big part. The whole “OMG?!?!?” trope is played out.
Love for Sale
This one:
Um. OK.
I get the idea they’re trying to share, that adopting a shelter animal brings love. However, these memes perpetuate a dangerous myth for shelter animals because it implies that as soon as you bring your adopted pet home, he or she will love you to pieces. Life will be great. You’ve adopted love, after all!
I can tell you: Out of the three dogs we’ve adopted, that’s only been true for one of them. For the fosters and cats? None.
It also places MASSIVE amounts of pressure on adoptive families who adopt older kids, kids who have been through the wringer of the foster system, kids from overseas… it says: Hey! Adopt and get love! When the reality is that it takes hard, long, dedicated work to build trust and build a bond that eventually leads to love.
Plus, another small quibble: Is there an unstated implication that if you purchase a pet from a breeder, you’re not getting love?
Ultimately
The heart is in the right place. I get that with pets the human emotion isn’t a part of the equation, so the memes seem funny. I hope to share, though, the greater implications behind these “jokes” and what it might look like to the humans in the adoption triad: the birth mom, the adoptive mom (or dad), and the adoptee.
My feathers get ruffled when I see adopted children getting picked on simply because they’re adopted. I feel like pet adoption memes perpetuate ideas about adoption that just aren’t true. And I personally think adopted children are doubly lucky because they have a birth family and an adoptive family, multiplying the love in their life and in the world.
I do know that lots and lots of people get THEIR feathers ruffled when kids are compared to pets, but… let’s be honest here. There are a lot of similarities. So, it’s my hope with this post to open a conversation about adoption–whether you’re coming at it from the pet side, the human side, or the enjoys-memes side.
What do you think? I’d love to know in the comments your impression of these pet adoption memes and what questions you have about adoption from any angle! This is a safe space for any question that might comes up. I think we learn best when we share our own experiences, so I’d LOVE to know your take in the comments below!
Couldn’t agree more Maggie. I think these perpetuate stigmas for both adopted children and adopted pets. When I recently shared our newly adopted pup on my FB page, it was one of the most liked and commented on posts ever, with very nice comments, they were wonderful really. But there were a lot of people thanking me for adopting, I “saved a life”. Sure, maybe I did. But he’s a puppy. A great one at that. So he was going home with someone that day, I just happened to luck out. But I couldn’t help but wonder if people would have “thanked” me if we had got a pup from a breeder? Henry came from a breeder, and he was (and just may remain) the dog-love-of-my-life, my heart dog.
Have you thought of what you would rather an adoption poster say? Or if you could re-make the memes what would be your message?
Honestly? I never really gave much thought to the implications and/or the unintended results of the pet-adoption memes. I’ve laughed at them and moved on. But, I totally agree with you.
As you know, we adopted Ducky from the shelter. After I’d worked with her for a couple of months to make her more adoptable – and saw her be adopted and returned in the same week and then be placed on the shelter’s urgent list – I knew there was a bond between us and I just couldn’t let her be euthanized if she weren’t picked up by a rescue that same day. So, even though our finances were somewhat tight, we decided to adopt her and commit to giving her the best life we could. And just like with Kissy, Callie, and Shadow, I consider myself to be Ducky’s Mom. I took on the commitment to provide them all with a home, healthcare, love, shelter, safety, etcetera – just as I would a human child – so I have the right to consider myself their “Mom”. But that doesn’t preclude me from considering them to be my best friends or pets as well.
Maggie, I love that you make these topics subjects of your blog posts! You make us stop and think about our own ideas and attitudes. And that’s a great way to educate us all. Keep up the great work, my sweet friend!!
Oh gosh, gotta love this.
First off I would hope that the adoptive parents always make the child…human and/or furry feel loved.
Parenting is always difficult, it is not the case of a dog from a shelter being so thankful that they are magically the best behaved pups that walked the face of the earth like we often see portrayed. Human children are the same, if they have been in the system it is a lot of work undoing a lot of bad and reinforcing love over and over, it is not magical and adoption does not buy love, it buys the opportunity to enrich another’s life, the same as giving birth or carefully choosing from a breeder does.
As it is with parenting biological children, it’s always work and its always worth it. ????
I happen to to think with my problem pup Monty, if he wasn’t with us than he may not be at all, so when I look at him I have to remind myself that he is part of our family because this is where he needed to be! I did not give birth to him obviously but he belongs in our family nonetheless.
I was really enjoying your blog until this. No human is the REAL mom of any pet because… HUMAN. You can feel like a mom to your pet all you like, but the joke in the meme is that NO SHIT YOUR NOT THE REAL MOM IT’S A FREAKING DOG! And then the second one about adopting love is an advertisement, not a meme. So at the very least you could get that right. At the end of the day all dogs are “adopted” by their owners in that they did not push the dog out of their own womb but “adopted’ them into their family. And nothing about those meme’s in insulting to people who adopt from shelters.
Just another case of someone starting shit for the sake of “likes”.
Hi, there! First off, I’m glad to hear that you were enjoying my blog. I work really hard at it, so I appreciate that a lot!
I’m sorry this post didn’t resonate. Although, I’m left wondering a smidge whether you scrolled through it or just looked at the pics? Because the post was actually about human adoption, not pet adoption. My point was certainly not to get likes but rather to shed some light on positive adoption language (again, for humans) and how pet adoption language gets the positive bit wrong. It was actually about birth moms, adoptive moms, and adoptees… of the human variety, not the pet variety. I think that’s why I’m questioning whether it was an actual read or just a quick scroll because your comment focuses on pets, not people? Like, it has nothing to do with adopting animals from shelters… at all??
I appreciate that you took the time to leave a comment, and while I do love to foster an active discussion, I feel like maybe a reread and then a revisit might be in order? That said, I do appreciate that you enjoyed reading my blog up until this point.
Baloney. Anyone who is serious about adopting a dog or cat in a responsible way already knows they aren’t going to be perfect little critters. Most times, it the hurt and abuse of animal that makes it less than “perfect” that draws a responsible owner to it in the first place. Stop perpetuating the concept that an adult animal is a risk. More times than not, they’ll bring a bigger load of joy and love and obedience than any puppy can muster. I love puppies, to, mind you, but I abhor anyone but a pro who purposely breeds puppies with no other intent to make money. ADOPT A RESCUE DOG AND SAY NO TO BREEDERS.
Hiya, Mark: So, typically I’m all about discussion, especially when we have opposing viewpoints, but I gotta say… I’m not sure you even skimmed the post? It’s about adoption from the human side, not the pet side. How on earth am I “perpetuating the concept that an adult animal is a risk?” I’ve actually adopted mostly adult animals and would never advocate for that, nor would I suggest anyone should purposefully breed puppies to make money. Clearly you haven’t read a single thing–including this post–that I’ve ever written. I’d love for you to go back and actually read what you’re shredding and see if you have something to say about the topic at hand. BTW, I deleted your two comments with the curse-out acronyms because, come on.