My dog is the best.
He’s sweet. He loves to cuddle. He adores cats. He skitters with his dog friends.
He’s incredible with our two-year-old daughter, even falling in line when she waggles her fingers at him and says, “Cooper coming,” in her little voice.
He’s my running partner and my sidekick in this balancing-work-and-mom-life craziness.
And, at night, when I settle in bed with my book to unwind after the usually-long day, he climbs under the covers (yes, all the way) and rests his chin on my ankles… a solid, reliable pressure that marks the end of the day.
He’s the absolute best.
He’s also the absolute worst.
He barks at every noise, real or imagined. He lurches and lunges at the end of the leash when we spot a dog at the end of the block. He cowers in the corner, shaking like a leaf, whenever we go somewhere, anywhere. He keeps his head on a swivel at the park, his body tense, his tail tucked. When we spot a dog–or, depending on his mood, even just a kindly stranger–we step off the trail or off the sidewalk and dole out treats, or if for whatever reason we think/know the treats won’t work this time, we cross the street, U-turn, duck between houses, or sprint off in the opposite direction–whatever keeps him calm(er) and feeling safe(er).
It’s exhausting.
But it’s also rewarding beyond anything I could imagine. When he makes a good decision or when he looks at me for direction, my heart soars.
And then he goes ballistic at a passing bicycle and I plummet back down to earth. You guys should’ve seen the day a hot air balloon went overhead…
I’ve sustained back and shoulder injuries managing him on leash. And, yet, at the end of the day, when he places his chin on my ankle, all’s right with the world.
I only wish other people could understand this about him, this dichotomy of being the absolute best dog in the entire world and his fear. It makes me sad that people don’t know the real him, the sweet, patient, pupper to a toddler and my best friend. So, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts about loving a reactive dog.
5 things I wish you knew about my reactive dog:
We are always on high alert.
Which can get exhausting. Every time I read anything about time management or productivity or burnout or whatever, one piece of oft-repeated advice is this: Take your dog for a nice stroll to clear your head! And I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. Because here’s the thing: When you have a reactive dog, there is literally no such thing as a nice stroll. Unless you go in the pouring rain. Or at midnight. You are constantly surveying your surroundings, watching for people or dogs or bikes or whatever triggers your dog has. You are constantly rerouting when you spot one of those on the horizon. Even when you’re in flow–you’re walking in a quiet spot without any other foot traffic–there’s always in the back of your mind the possibility of something happening, so you remain vigilant. Which brings me to…
Your “friendly” off-leash dog is our worst nightmare.
Responsibility is a two-way street. End of story. Those of us with reactive dogs choose to take our dogs to parks and trails that require leashes. We pick places carefully, places without too many blind corners or places with a clear escape route. Why? An approaching off-leash dog truly is our worst nightmare, especially if the dog’s owner is waaayyyyyy off in the distance. You yelling, “He’s friendly!” from a mile away is literally the. worst. Put your dog on leash or go somewhere that allows off-leash dogs.
We’re doing our best.
Your judgement doesn’t help. It’s like the parent with the trantruming toddler in the supermarket… We don’t want to be dealing with this either, Sir. Your glares don’t help the situation. Really, though, with a reactive dog, we are all doing our best. Sometimes our best isn’t good enough. Sometimes all the training and management and planning just falls apart. Your dog is having a bad day. You encounter a scenario way scarier than your dog can handle. Or, you’ve just passed too many dogs/bikes/strollers/strangers for your dog to be able to withstand one more and that’s when he loses it. I can assure you, a smidge of compassion goes a long way here. A smile or a nod. Moving your dog/bike/stroller/yourself away. Whatever. Compassion over judgement, always.
Yes, he’s “trained.”
Speaking of compassion over judgement… it’s likely your suggestion of, “You need a dog trainer,” will fall on deaf ears. Why? Reactive dogs are generally far more trained than “typical” dogs. We take every class under the sun. Cooper probably knows more than most dogs, and he’s certainly spent more hours in training than the usual basic-obedience-for-puppies class that most owners take. He’s taken two obedience classes, agility classes, 1:1 agility, trick training, and two reactive dog classes, plus many hours with a trainer we really liked doing 1:1 sessions. Our dearly departed Lucas took about 5x that number of classes–he was just a bigger liability than Coop, tbh–and was impeccably trained. Training can’t mitigate fear or a fear-based reaction. It can help. Big-time. With Lucas, especially, it took about five years, but he eventually was able to “watch me” to walk past a scary scenario. In a familiar park. When we had a clearly-defined escape route. And the other dog was on leash. But he could do it. Reactive dogs tend to be super-well-trained dogs because of those liability issues, but training won’t always solve fear.
We love our dogs, quirks and all.
Someone once told me, “I would never have two dogs I couldn’t walk together,” referring to Lucas and Cooper. It broke my heart. I couldn’t have ever imagined not having either one of them. Yes, it took tons of extra effort to do two walks per day (Emmett, of course, could always go with either one of them, and if if they were acting like crazed maniacs, he’s just be happily sniffing the ground in seach of errant chicken bones or sandwiches). I love Cooper to pieces. He’s my little baby. He’s my friend. He’s Violet’s bestie. He loves wholeheartedly. When people come over, he can’t get close enough, usually planting his 50 pounds securely in his friends’ laps. We reactive dog people love our dogs because we see them. We see them for who they really, despite and because of their unique struggles. We love our relationship, and we love the deep, heartfelt returns we get from working with a struggling dog.
It’s certainly not easy to love a reactive dog, but it’s so worthwhile and brings unparalleled levels of pride and joy as you get to watch them overcome life’s hurdles. I always think of the responsibility of having, loving,and working with a reactive dog when I hear the quote:
“Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.” ?
It’s my goal with my reactive dog to change his world forever, for the better.
If you love a reactive dog, what do you wish people understood about you and your pup? What do you wish you could share about your reactive pup?
READ MORE about reactive dogs:
- How we found the right vet for our reactive dog
- Dog training mentor and inspiration
- Glacial progress adds up when training reactive dogs
- Being responsible for a reactive dog (this one still gives me nightmares…)
I love this post and I feel your pain and excitement. I too have a “special” furbaby that others will never understand. He is the absolute best with me but anyone else, no. My fear is that unleashed dog or an uneducated person who allows their pet to pull them along to meet others. When people see pups like ours, they are quick to think or say “Dang, that do needs training”. Little do they know, they have been, and mine gets daily refreshers.
The best thing about reactive dogs imo is most people wouldn’t spend the time with them like we do. They would disgard them and you know what happens after that. Taking the time needed with these precious babies and loving them as we do is most wonderful thing.
Thank you for sharing this post!
Great article thanks
Thank you for writing this post! I have an already reactive dog, and a neighbor I warned many times about it and avoided at all costs put us in a corner a few weeks back. I had full control of my XL pup but she let her dog jump at him and make contact while he was at my side. It was a horrible experience altogether, I was sobbing, and the girl put the blame on me. I took all proper precautions but she still didn’t respect mine or my pups space (even with prior warnings). People don’t understand this and assume you have an aggressive dog, even though he’s the opposite and is friends with ANYONE that enters our home. Even if a robber came, he would try and be best friends! Having a reactive dog is a lot of energy and work, I just wish more people understood. This article makes me feel 100% better knowing I’m not the only one that deals with this daily.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for a wonderfully empathetic post. What I wish people had known during Habi’s worst years: That she was (and we were) trying our very best.
You literally just described my dog! We have almost all but given up the walks with him and it breaks my heart when we take our other dogs. We try to supplement with nose work and Kong’s but not the same. Thanks for putting it into words ??
Yeah I walk my girl in my back yard ,:( and even still she is scoping out the area . Best of luck to everyone!
You literally just described my dog! We have almost all but given up the walks with him and it breaks my heart when we take our other dogs. We try to supplement with nose work and Kong’s but not the same. Thanks for putting it into words ??
It seems like I wrote this post. I have a reactive dog and he is a big boy. He seems to be a little crazier in the morning, so we are trying to walk a little later. I too wish other people would respect our space and stop calling him my crazy dog. He is a great dog and I love him with all my heart. So to all of us that keep trying with our reactive dogs–great job.
Why did this article make me tear up? Reminds me so much of me and my Buddy (and yes ironically my reactive dog’s name is Buddy lol). We’ve come so far but have our bad days. Always great to read and see that others experience the same thing. Sometimes I like to pretend that we are ninjas as we duck and dodge other dogs, skateboarders, motorcycles, etc. Gotta make it fun and try to laugh to keep from having a meltdown.
Yup! I feel like I’ve got PTSD from trying to walk him in my neighborhood, constantly watching out for stuff he will react to. Wait, are those feet I see behind that car and are they about to walk out to the road? I think I hear the school bus coming. OMG, where did that bicycle come from!!!! I’ve gotten away from daily walks unless we are on the beach where we can see for miles and he can have a little more room to explore.
My boy is special too. How many times do I have to hear “it’s ok he’s friendly” as an off leash dog barrels towards us – I know people don’t think that their dog is a problem, and if my boy reacts it’s always seen as being my boys fault. Makes me so mad. And so sad. My boy really tries his best, but he is judged by his looks. The pity of it is, he was perfectly fine until another dog attacked him. Now he is just scared. We have to be the voice for our dogs, and make ourselves heard.
I could have written this. My boys reactivity is much better than it was, but he’s still very unpredictable. With people, he’s the sweetest soul, but with other dogs it’s a different story. I am so tired of feeling like I have to apologise for him when he behaves in a way society deems inappropriate. I wish more people were compassionate than judgemental. *Sigh* Thank you for writing this.
I seriously felt like I was reading my own thoughts here! Every. single. word. We just rescued a cattle dog last May and it has been a learning experience! We knew right away that we would have to train her impeccably because she’s fearful and reactive. At home with us, she is the MOST loving, sweetest, gentle girl who listens so well, really like the perfect dog. It’s so hard to relay that to outsiders sometimes because all they see are the bad reactions, not her at her best and it really is draining and breaks our hearts. The amount of training/trainers we’ve used so far in less than a year is crazy to people (and to us when we think about it) but we know what’s necessary and want the best for her. Thank you for this article, makes us feel less alone!
Maggie – your words made me cry, laugh, and then sigh in relief that I am not alone in this loving, vigilant journey with my 3 yr old Border Collie. I have never had such a challenging dog who forces me to think outside the box, always be on the alert for triggers, be constantly creative with her training, rejoice when she finally “gets it”, and melt into her eyes when she looks at me for affirmation. She is so very smart. So fun to train. But it IS hard. It is SO HARD. It is exhausting. it’s like having a toddler on crack in the house all the time. Luna is very noise reactive. Thunder, fireworks, gunshot, motorcycles, dump trucks….they are all triggers for her fear, and will send her shivering and shaking into the corner frozen with anxiety – which results in me actually having to pick her up and carry her outside for potty breaks for days after. People walking or biking by our house, the UPS truck pulling into the driveway, the mail lady stopping to drop off mail…they send her into a barking frenzy. And through all of this, I just want her to be happy and carefree. I want her to enjoy being outside, running, playing, wearing that big smile on her face and that having a sparkle in her eyes. Those times are far and few between. I so want to trust her, but am not quite there yet. I find myself constantly trying to build up her confidence, telling her that everything is ok, that I would never let anything happen to her, that she CAN do this hard thing. I want her world to be the best I can make it for her, and I am willing to do anything to make that happen. I love her with all my heart, and I pray that in the years ahead, we will continue to take baby steps together on this crazy, fun, challenging journey we’re on. 🙂
I’m glad to hear she’s having joy and a sparkle in her eye! Even if those are few and far between, they’ll only increase in time, I’m sure!! Noise reactivity is extra hard because sounds–cars, trucks, UPS, etc.–are totally unpredictable. But! It sounds like you two have an incredible bond, and I’m so grateful you took the time to share her story. Sending you both lots of love and peace!
YES, YES, YES. You seem to be describing our dog, except for coming under the covers. Thank you for sharing. Our dog is also the best, except when he isn’t. He even know when he reacted in a way we don’t like because there are no treats and we are going back home.
The stares, the judgement of others doesn’t help. I ALWAYS tell those who also have a reactive dog “It is ok. Mine can be like that too, so don’t feel bad.”
I have a very untrusting daschund. I am her 4th home in her 7(?) years of life. No one could handle her, because she is scared of everything and lashes out as a result. I’ve seen her make so many great strides to trust my family after a period of time, my friends the more she is exposed to them coming over. She will likely never be friends with another dog and that’s ok. Usually when she is having a freak out on our walk I will take her to the opposite side of the street and pick her up and tell her it’s going to be ok. It won’t stop her from barking her head off, but she does tend to settle faster if she knows I’m trying to keep her safe. Her leaps and bounds of trusting me in these past two years have made me so proud of her. She may be a reactive, yappy, unstable and untrained pup to others but to me she is trying her best and is perfect!
Thank you so much for making me feel not alone. We recently rescued a very sweet, loving but animal reactive pitbull that was fighting for her life alone on the streets. She recently slipped out of the garage door unnoticed when our child left the house and the unthinkable happened. She’s currently in a 10 day quarantine hold with animal control. It’s not her fault and we feel more awful than words can express and 100% know we are to blame. We will never give up on her as she’s our family member and have put additional measures in place so that it doesn’t happen again. Sorry for being long winded but I just wanted to show my appreciation for your candidness and empathy.
This! This is our baby. Name and all! We’ve had him since 6wks old. He’s in training but training does NOT stop. Even a simple potty break is a way to work on commands at this point in time.