File this one under: “You do you, boo.” (Kind of like this one.)
Anyways, some pet blogger friends and I had this conversation a while ago, and I’ve been meaning to write about it but kept putting it off. Part of me was like, Well, who really cares what you think about this topic. And part of me was like, Let’s not wade into that pond.
But, honestly? I’m kinda tired of seeing people picked on for how they choose to label themselves.
And, you guys, the comments that show up out there are just plain mean.
“Pet parenting” felt slightly too anthropomorphic for my taste. There are real risks to our pets’ well-being if we treat them like and expect them to be wired like and to behave like tiny humans. On the other side of that coin, “owner” implies Cooper is like my bike or my kitchen table.
Plus, I never felt like my animals were my children, but rather my friends. My partners.
Not that any of that matters to how you think of yourself with your pets.
Of course, now I do have a tiny human, and she’s just the greatest thing around. But she’s also made me realize just how similar caring for animals is to caring for tiny humans in a handful of key ways:
- As the parent, you spend an inordinate amount of time dealing with effluvia. Dogs with midnight diarrhea and babies with midnight diaper blowouts share a lot in common. Puke becomes a way of life (Newt.) and you deal with it and move on.
- My entire budget goes toward feeding my brood. I’m constantly almost out of milk or cat food.
- I mentioned earlier that dogs aren’t tiny humans. However, they have to live in a human world and therefore have to behave appropriately. It’s on me to teach my crew how to behave. While Violet is a tiny human, she didn’t come programmed with things like… not snatching a library book out of another kid’s hands or not throwing food during breakfast, among others. It’s on me to teach them all what is (and isn’t’) appropriate.
- They get bored easily. All of them. Toys (everyone), activities (Violet and Cooper), laser chase (cats and Violet), outside stuff (everyone), and Mama’s fifteenth consecutive performance of Itsy Bitsy Spider (Violet) can usually get us to lunchtime… but they all need enrichment and stimulation.
- Grooming–hair, nails, and teeth–is an attempt to clean something that’s actively trying to run away from you.
Last week, we were at Target picking up more wipes and milk and whatever else leads you to spend $100 when you only went in to buy two things…
Violet decided that she was going to clip the two pieces of the seat belt in the cart’s child seat. She had one piece of the buckle in each hand and was bashing them together because, you see, Violet doesn’t yet have the fine motor skills to actually accomplish that feat. So, I waited a minute while she bashed, and then I so-very-innocently said, “Would you like some help?” As I reached forward to snap the buckle together for her, Violet. lost. it.
Toddlers are an interesting breed.
She wanted the buckle clicked, but she couldn’t do it herself, but she didn’t want help, but she wanted the buckle clicked, but she couldn’t do it herself, so…. vicious cycle and meltdown.
In that moment, you know what I thought?
This is a lot like Coopsie seeing a dog across the street out on a walk!
He loves to play with other dogs. He can’t figure out how to behave when he sees one though. So he goes bananas, but then he doesn’t get to meet the other dog because he’s going bananas and so he gets frustrated and escalates the bananas until he’s on his back legs barking and crying his face off…
Violet doesn’t get the seatbelt clicked; Cooper doesn’t get to play with other dogs.
And then there’s me, standing there, waiting out their fit so we can move on with our shopping/walk.
So, yeah.
Ultimately, parenting pets is pretty darn similar to parenting tiny humans. I now consider myself a pet parent. I’m a proud dog mom, cat mom, and Violet mom.
If you consider yourself a pet owner, that’s cool, too. In the end, it doesn’t matter. And not that you guys are any of the ones leaving the nasty, judgey comments, but when you’re navigating the internet and see someone label themselves as something different from you, remember that that’s totally fine. You’re not that person, right? So it’s not up to you to judge how they label themselves!
Discussions are cool–feel free to share your thoughts, ideas, or your own labels in the comments below–but mean, judgmental snark is uncool. Just do you, boo, and let others do them, too!
So, let’s hear it: Why do YOU call yourself with your pets? Are you a pet parent? A pet owner? Do you have a special name (like, Emmett and Lucas always “called” us Lady and Man)?
WOW…people really bashed other people for labeling themselves as pet parents. I agree with you and pretty much always felt my dog and me were partners/friends. But after reading this post in many ways I did parent my rescue. She was 6 months old and a wild stray who thought every dog and person needed to be jumped on and every garbage can was dinner. She never stopped! Yeah she was my baby and still is, yeah I treated her like I did the youngsters in my own family! There it is…I am a pet parent!!!
Yeah, I don’t really get why anyone feels the need to be mean. Especially over something that doesn’t affect you in the slightest. The internet is a strange place…
I loved your comment so much, and I completely agree! They’re my babies, too! 🙂
#dogmom here. I have always felt that having dogs is a lot like having permanent toddlers. They might be potty trained, but there will be accidents. They might be generally well behaved, but there will be temper tantrums. They have no sense of personal space unless they’re pointedly ignoring you because you’ve failed them in some absurdly tiny way….
Like you, I worry about overanthropomorphizing our pets. Dogs and cats are not people, and they can’t be held to adult human behavioral standards, even once they are adults by their own species standards. But I also worry that just seeing them as just “pets” erases what are obviously individual and distinct personalities and behaviors, so I hesitate to classify them as something I own or keep. I’m less an owner and more of a guardian. I keep them safe, sound, and healthy, and they amuse and snuggle me. It’s definitely a symbiotic relationship in which we trade physical security for emotional support.
PERMANENT TODDLERS. YEP. It’s so true.
I guess part of it is personality dependent, like Emmett was a dignified old man his entire life, but Cooper? Lucas? Ripley? #toddlerforlife
I do love the term “guardian,” too, and I think your assessment is spot on. Denim’s a lucky gal to have you! 🙂
I don’t refer to myself as a pet parent. But I also don’t have very happy thoughts about my own parentage.
But I find it interesting to read what parents of tiny humans have to say on the subject. Alexandra Horowitz is a professor of animal behavior and she found her own toddler quite similar to her dog.
But your story about Violet’s meltdown made me think of one other thing. I’ve read that one reason toddlers melt down is because they have thoughts but they’re not able to communicate them. I’ve known parents who taught their children simple sign language so children could make their needs/wishes known before they were able to speak verbally. Do you ever wonder how much of a dog’s meltdown is related to their frustration at not being able to make themselves understood?
I wonder if we could teach our dogs simple signs to communicate with us as they start to feel uncomfortable? After all, people doing nose work and people with service dogs teach their dogs to “alert” them. I wonder if this is the next wave in dealing with reactive dogs.
Yes, yes, yes!!
For Violet, too, it’s not just the thoughts but the emotions. She feels all the feels but doesn’t know what they are or how to express them, so instead of nuanced reactions, toddlers just explode. I feel like that might be a struggle Coop has, too. (“I’m scared so ARGHGGHGHG!”)
I think with Cooper it’s also often an issue of him not being able to understand the world around him, which is a variation on that theme, but I do think you’re spot-on. Dogs can alert to almost anything, so your idea makes sense. It’s akin to what we’ve been working on with “place” with Cooper (when you feel overwhelmed, here’s your safe spot on this mat), but is there a way to teach him to alert before the mat is needed? Insert chin-scratching emoji here….
I’ve always (well maybe not always, but as long as I can remember) used the term pet parent. And it doesn’t even have to be compared to human parenting either. But since we are caring for them (pets), they are a member of our family, and as you said, we are teaching them, that all qualifies under what I call parenting. It’s apples and oranges (you don’t leave a 2 year old child at home alone but you can leave a 2 year old dog home alone. But it’s parenting none the less. I totally agree that dog owner makes them into property which I don’t believe they are, or should be. Thanks for the blog. Always great.
I’m so glad you pointed out the apples and oranges aspect of this discussion. Here’s what I suspect: The people who get up in arms about calling it “pet parenting” seem to maybe take offense at the idea of their beloved little child being compared to a dog. And you’re so right… it’s NOT a comparison. It’s simply the language.
That said, my beloved little child is often far messier and worse behaved than my beloved little dog, so….. 🙂
“He loves to play with other dogs. He can’t figure out how to behave when he sees one though. So he goes bananas, but then he doesn’t get to meet the other dog because he’s going bananas and so he gets frustrated and escalates the bananas until he’s on his back legs barking and crying his face off…” This is the most perfect description of leash reactivity ever. The Banana Escalation.
HAHA! Thank you, and that’s high praise since I know you’re well-versed in the subject! 🙂
HAHA! I’m laughing so hard at the grooming comment!! “Grooming–hair, nails, and teeth–is an attempt to clean something that’s actively trying to run away from you.”
A huge “amen” there–we adopted a 7-year-old Yorkshire Terrier who had never been brushed a day in his life (he was just buzzed once a year before, poor thing) so trying to teach him to let us brush him was terrible.
It really is like what a previous commenter said–you just have toddlers for life!
Oh, my goodness! I bet that was a challenge. How’s he doing with the brushing now?
Oh, goodness! Cooper and Ducky are a lot alike, the only difference being what they’re reactive towards (about?). With Coops, it’s other dogs; with Ducky, it’s other people, strangers or those she doesn’t know very well, especially around the people she loves.
As for the labels? I’m a #DogMom. What other people call themselves is up to them. I used to get really defensive when people would get snarky or judgmental about it. Then I decided it wasn’t my problem but theirs. The way I see it is when I decided to have my dogs in my life, their individual health, happiness, and well-being became my responsibility. Just as a human child’s would be if I brought one into the world, or adopted one. (The main difference being that dogs are dependent on their humans from the day they join the family to the day they cross over the Rainbow Bridge. Hopefully, human kids become independent adults.) That responsibility – which I took on willingly and which I take seriously – gives me the right to call myself their mom; and I don’t give a flying rat’s rear end who likes or doesn’t like it.
All that said, the over-anthropomorphizing “thing” concerns me, too. Dogs are dogs and people are people. We should accept and respect the differences. When Callie and Shadow had their first birthdays, I put party hats on them and took a few pix. Callie didn’t care one way or the other; but Shadow was uncomfortable with the whole idea, so I never subjected them to it again. The only “clothing” I use for Shadow is her raincoat, and even then it has to be raining pretty hard before I’ll use it. And Ducky? When she was just a pup, the kids at daycare dressed her up for Halloween. She didn’t seem to mind, so the following year I let them do it again. But the photos revealed a dog who was not happy about it. The third year, I asked the owner to tell the kids to not do it again. She did tell them (one of the girls told me later on), but someone didn’t pay attention or just decided to disregard my request and put a costume on her for the photo-op. When I saw the photo, I was really ticked-off. Maria (the owner) apologized profusely and that person no longer works for her. But since then, Ducky has not attended a Halloween party at daycare. I just will not take the chance again. She depends on me to protect her from stuff like that, so….
A thousand times YES to everything you said!!!
I think language is so powerful, and your point re: responsibility totally earns the right to be called mama to these furries. But, as you said, “What other people call themselves is up to them.” Wouldn’t the world be a better (or nicer, anyway) place if everyone got on board with that statement???
I have used the term dog Moma or cat Moma because I think we care for and love our pets in a similar way we care for and love our children. No, dogs and cats are not humans but they do live in a world where they have to adapt so they need to be taught how to behave. They are very intuitive, have feelings, show love and devotion. Just think about the amazing things animals can do! Service and therapy animals, search and rescue, K-( dogs, military dogs etc. so , yes I am proud to be a Dog, Cat Moma!
We are Mom and Dad to our pets. But I never had human children of my own, so maybe I’m just fulfilling a need for myself?
Whenever we visit our grandsons, we are constantly drawing comparisons to our dogs. We can’t help it – they really have a lot in common, as you pointed out! I’m not sure my stepson and daughter-in-law love that though, so I try to temper it back. 🙂
I guess I consider myself a dog parent, though I don’t think I can recall ever using that term and I doubt if I’ve ever used the term dog owner, though I may have. I do call them my babies and Asia calls them her brothers but what I can’t actually get my mind around is calling them my sons as if that makes much of a difference. I often refer to us as a team and we are definitely a family, so I guess the label just depends on what slips from my lips or fingers at any given moment.
It just feels so natural to me to think of myself as Dad and my dogs are my babies. I dont have kids (hopefully one day) and perhaps if I did would feel different about this. But I defo feel like a doggy dad 🙂