“It’s so beautiful outside! Let’s take Cooper to the park to enjoy this gorgeous day!”
Said no one ever…
“It’s gray and lightly drizzling. I’m taking Cooper to the park for a jog.”
I said on Sunday.
Cooper doesn’t go to the park on a beautiful, sunny day. Why? People go to the park on beautiful, sunny days. Dogs go to the park on beautiful, sunny days. Youths on wheels go to the park on beautiful, sunny days. So, Cooper does not.
Here’s the thing: Cooper is a good dog.
Cooper is not a perfect dog.
He’s well-trained and smart as a whip. But he has limits.
Someone recently asked me, in response to me saying that Cooper will never be a dog who chills on a restaurant patio with us for Sunday brunch, “Is that something you’re going to work on?”
For a beat, I paused. Is it?
We’re a goal-oriented society, right? We set goals, work to achieve them, and then push the goalpost further out. It’s certainly how I work, and it certainly formed the basis of a lot of the training I’ve historically done with the dogs. What do I want them to do (or not do)? How do we get there? And once we get there, what’s next?
It makes sense to say, OK, we’ve identified this problem–Cooper can’t relax in a crowded place–so, now how do we work toward a solution? What is my project plan? What are the next steps? How do we progress?
But, the other important piece of the dog-training puzzle: limits.
Knowing them, and respecting them.
It’s just like in people. Everyone, every dog included, has limits. Somehow with dogs, sometimes people who love their dogs very much, still fall into the trap of thinking, “Oh, we just need to work more/harder. Let’s try a new protocol,” etc. etc.
Sure, there’s some stuff you have to push your dog on, whether it’s for safety’s sake or basic manners.
But when it comes to limits… I use myself as an example. I am, by nature, a shy introvert. I needed to learn how to speak in public, so I took steps to train myself. I read books. I watched TED talks. I joined Toastmasters. That sort of thing. Yes, I improved. No, I’m not confident or comfortable. Yet, if someone were to ask me to do something like act a part in a play, you better believe I’d be hiding under the closest rock I could find because no way, never, not gonna happen, are you flipping kidding me with that?! I know my limits.
I just have the luxury of making all my own decisions so can turn down things that I know are far beyond my reasonable capabilities.
Dogs don’t have that luxury. We make all their own decisions.
So, identifying their limits–carefully, too, and with kid gloves because some limits need to be pushed–and then respecting them are so crucial to forming a strong bond and a lasting friendship with your dog.
So, will I train Cooper to sit with me at a restaurant or walk through a packed park on a beautiful day?
Nope.
Will he miss out on some adventures together?
Yep.
We could work on some stuff. We could work on having him lay on a mat in a busy place. We could work on restaurant sounds. But we can’t really work to make him feel happy in those scenarios. He’d just be a tense ball of anxious energy trying to work through commands, never relaxing, never feeling comfortable. Is that worth it?
Truthfully, I feel like if I could ask him and he could answer me, it would probably go something like this:
“Cooper, do you want to go sit on the patio at the cafe down the road while we eat breakfast?”
“Is it crowded, noisy, full of people and loud, unexpected sounds? Hell nope. Thanks, but I’ll stay home with the cats.”
Does your dog have limits? How do you differentiate between the ones that are firm and need to be honored versus the ones you need to push? How do you decide when you’ve hit your goal versus pushing the goalpost further out?
From the archives, a few oldies about Cooper’s behavior, um, quirks:
Yes! Thank you for reminding us that not every dog has to be a go-everywhere dog.
You’re right; there is a balance. Habi would have been perfectly happy to stay in the house and back yard her whole life. But we knew that there were parts of the big wild world she would enjoy (on miserable grey spitting-sleet days), and that at times she’d have to go to the vet’s, deal with a dog-sitter, etc, etc etc. She needed some coping skills.
Even while trying to do the right thing by her, we were so woefully ignorant at first – it took us years to realize her life would be fine if she never met another dog (as long as she could look at one from a distance and not flip out). So we worked on looking at dogs from a distance and not flipping out. We put a crate in the car and conditioned her to be comfortable there, where she couldn’t see triggers out the windows and have a meltdown in the middle of traffic. We made arrangements to hang out with the vet office staff, who showered her with treats. We sat on the front porch with a bowl of salmon skin and watched the world go by. And gradually, gradually, she began to believe that the world was kind of interesting, and maybe it would be fun to explore it a little. So we did – on her terms.
Last summer (ten years along our journey), we were out and about, and found ourselves in an unexpected situation where I needed her to settle behind my feet on the patio of a cafe. She was fine (!!!). Relaxed? No, but OK, and happy to gulp down tidbits I snuck to her. Will we make a habit out of it? Nope. But we have so much fun, now that she’s turned into a go-a-lot-of-places (on her terms) girl.
Thank you for a great post!
Chris!! First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to share a glimpse into yours and Habi’s journey. I so appreciate your time and kindness in sharing this with us. Second, HOLY MOLY! Congratulations to you both! What an incredible achievement, and–to be perfectly honest–and inspiration to me! Sometimes with Cooper, I get bogged down, not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel because, like Habi, he would be content to spend his life at home and that’s that. We, of course, know life isn’t like that, and I sometimes get myself worked up when it’s time to go to the vet or something because… ugh, why didn’t I work harder on this, that, or the other behavior? Your story reminded me to focus on the gradual because the big picture is so hard to see sometimes. Thank you for that!! And, again, congrats!
I am glad to read of your progress with Habi and your love for her really shows. I keep working with Rosie too, in small bits on her terms. She loves to go in the car and look around and go for walks without other dogs or people. She was a rescue and must have had some really hard times in her first part of life. We keep trying to reach out in small bits so she can enjoy the world but just on her terms and I know there are many situations that may always just be too much for her. As a 100 pound very big girl I also want to always err on the side of caution for her sake and others as well.
I actually love that you are taking his feelings into account. I too want a dog that can be taken in public and is better behaved in crowds and will work on it a bit more this summer but this is more for him. I am home all the time and when I do leave he feels abandoned. He doesn’t love the busy areas and yet he does love the busy areas. Gosh it would be wonderful to get inside their head and actually know what it is they want!!!
Oh, my gosh! YES! I would love to get in their heads and see what they’re thinking. Or just have five minutes to have a decent conversation to explain that he shouldn’t be scared… my job is to keep him safe and happy! Plus, like, eating out is fun! 🙂
Great post! I think you’re touching on something very important here.
In my opinion, being able to read your dog well enough to know where and what the limits are, and which limits to push or not, is a big part of being a good and responsible dog owner.
Thanks for making that point, John! I totally agree–it’s the responsible thing to do! And, I think, the kind thing, too! 🙂 Thanks for sharing that!
Ray definitely has limits. He is nearly perfect on walks around the neighborhood. Dogs can literally lose their sh*t from behind fences and he ignores them and crosses to the other side of the street. If he sees a dog coming toward him on leash and I don’t get him distracted, it’s Armageddon.
Isn’t it funny? Do you ever wish that you could just peek inside his mind and figure out…. y tho? 😀 That’s how I feel about some of Coop’s oddities!
My dog family is a pack of 5. I love my dogs enough to know and understand their limitations, just like you mentioned. I have one that is a therapy dog and when my clients ask “are all of your dogs therapy dogs?” I laugh because the rest of my merry band of misfits are light years from being of the right temperament to do therapy work. I love them all unconditionally but I give considerable thought to each away-from-home outing and which of the dogs will actually enjoy it. Sometimes the final decision is none of them will and that’s OK too. Sometimes the best way to bond with your dog is a quiet walk or a snuggle on the couch. Any quality time devoted to them is bonding in and of itself.
Such an awesome point, Chris! Meeting them where they are is definitely the kind way! BTW, when my Emmett was a working therapy dog, people used to ask if I could bring my other two out on a visit, as well. Once I finished laughing… nope. Nope. Never. Not gonna happen! 🙂
Yes. This is Rosie. She is a wonderful dog, but she will always be uncomfortable in many situations in spite of all the classes and training and socializing we have done. She is very sensitive to people and their “energy”. She quickly senses people that are not comfortable with the big Rottie (or just seem to give off some kind of negative energy) and then she gets scared. She will behave because I ask her to, but she will be miserable. She is happier here in her own couple of acres with us and other people she trusts, a buddy to play with and things to chase. Taking a dog everywhere is great if they will not be a bundle of nerves the whole time and some of that just can’t be “trained” away. Now Jake on the other hand may just be that dog that can happily go anywhere and have it be fun and less stressful for both of us
I love how you mentioned that Rosie is sensitive to other people. I feel like that must be a big piece of the puzzle for our “reactive” dogs. They are extra sensitive to sensory data… at least, that’s how Coop is! He can react to a sight or a sound or a touch that is out of his norm, and I think that sensory processing piece is a big one for him. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with sweet Rosie!
My dog Garnet was a puppy mill dog before we adopted her. She is afraid of the unexpected sounds and activity at the park or walking trail near our home. She’ll go if I make her, and she’ll behave while we’re there, but she’s also frightened and if pushed will refuse to go anywhere with us. She’ll hide when I get the leash. So, I let her choose. If I know we are going somewhere without other people, I’ll insist. If it’s the local park, I’ll let her opt out if she chooses. When we go camping, she’s all in! No scary bikes and skateboards there! I’m glad you listen to your dog and what he wants and likes. After all, he’s people, too!
I absolutely love that you give her the choice. That’s so wonderful. And considering all she must’ve gone through, Garnet is a lucky lady to end up with someone so kind and understanding!! Give her a scritch for me (if she feels comfortable)!
I can’t even begin to describe how much I love this post. It’s something I’ve often thought about writing too. I make these same choices with Luke….to let him be a homebody and mostly stick to things that he is comfortable with. He freaks out when strangers come to our house, so that’s what we work on. Because we need people to come to our house and for him to be comfortable. But we don’t need to go to a dog park or any crowded places. Since I’m not social either, that’s fine with me. I often try to put myself into Luke’s place – would I want to do that?
Sure, I’d love it if we could take him places, but I am only going to push him so much, because I kind of know how he feels, and I am fine with being a homebody too. Yet, at the same time, I feel guilty about the things he’s missing out on, especially when I read in a reactive dog group how other people never stop trying to get their dogs comfortable with more and more. But I also sometimes wonder if they aren’t doing that more for themselves than for their dogs.
By the way, oddly enough, I can’t speak in public, but I can be in a play and be somewhat comfortable with that!
I hope you decide to write on this topic, too, Jan! I always love your perspective, especially since we face a lot of the same types of issues. I love how you relate him to yourself because it’s so true for me too… minus the acting in a play bit. I’m SO impressed!!!
I love this post a lot. I remind me that not every dog is the same and we shall do much them too much because we want them to do it. And may be they are not enjoying it at all
Thanks so much, Sandra. I completely agree, and thanks for taking the time to share your insight!