Oh My Dog!

obsessed with dogs

On starting a new chapter

A couple weeks ago, John stood in the laundry room folding yet another pile of teeny-tiny onesies while I cleaned the kitchen.

Seemingly out of the blue, he turned to me and asked, “Are you ever going to write about Emmett? All the stuff at the end?”

I answered as honestly as I could. “It’s too hard.”

And it is. It still is.

The thing is, the end has to be separated from the rest. The end was like all ends: sad, painful, not unexpected, but entirely surprising. He had terminal cancer. He didn’t die of terminal cancer.

His decline happened so fast.

Degenerative myelopathy.

That was the diagnosis, and maybe I’ll write about that some day and share our experience because sometimes first-hand helps when you’re going through something so significant, but that’s the part that needs to be detached from the rest. Right now, it’s too hard. It’s not what I wanted for him. He deserved better.

I miss him.

That is the singular, simple truth: I miss Emmett.

When John and I had that conversation, one of the things I said was that I was struggling to write blog posts. My role here is to tell our stories, for better or for worse, but I lost the thread. Without Em, I don’t know what the story is anymore. It all started with him. He was Chapter One.

Of course, it’s the same story, just a much later chapter.

Right now, in fact, it’s 10:27 PM. I’m sitting on the floor of the living room with my laptop, just waiting for Violet to wake up. She needs one more bottle then she’ll sleep until 5 or 6 am, so I’m waiting.

Newt buried herself under the comforter when John went to bed.

Cooper… well… Cooper alternates. Some nights, he’s so exhausted from his long day of Violet-minding that he crashes as soon as his head buries under the covers. Other nights, he can’t let his guard down and waits up until it’s really time for her to go down.

And I think that’s where we are right now: The Cooper Chapter.

Maybe I’ll write about degenerative myelopathy someday.

But, for now, there’s so much to tell about Cooper. He’s changing so much, you guys. We had a day at the park, this past Sunday, when there were zero freak-outs. Not a one. And there were lots of people there! (OK, no dogs, but… we’ll take what we can get.) His recall has become rock-solid, and he’s taking his job of Violet’s watch dog seriously.

So, even though I’m still. so. sad. and a big part of me still won’t accept that my Emmett is gone, I am super excited on Cooper’s behalf to be turning the page and diving into his chapter.

It’s going to be a good one.

Comments

  1. Corin and I were in the car the other day and I saw a dog and said to her “Look he looks like Em”. Like we really knew him – that is what you do here – you let us know you and those around you. We are still sad with you – it always takes longer than we expect to get through stuff like this. Take your time….we will be here….

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    • I feel that way about your crew, Crystle. I know them. <3

      Thank you for sharing this sentiment. It really means so much to me.

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  2. Like Crystle said, “take your time … we will be here …”

    You’re not alone in the first chapter/new chapter “thing” Maggie. I started my blog because of Callie and Shadow. Shadow is still with us, and relatively healthy for a Golden her age, that’s true; but Callie was my canine soulmate. And I miss her far beyond the descriptive power of any words. As time goes by, Ducky is getting so much better with Shadow. And that’s our new chapter. My heart, prayers, and thoughts are with you.

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    • I think of you often as I’m processing all this. My heart is with you and yours, as well. Give those angels an extra scritch for me!

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  3. Having lived through the VERY PUBLIC loss of my blog’s original canine heroine, I understand all of this.Even with writing the book, there are parts about Lilly’s final day, in particular, that I do NOT write about, do NOT talk about, because even after all this time, it’s just TOO much. Hugs to you at this time of transition. So great to hear about Cooper’s progress. So neat to see Miss Violet.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your struggle, Roxanne. I appreciate your insights so much and share so much compassion and empathy for all you went through. Thank you and big hugs to you.

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  4. I’m SO glad Cooper found his calling with all the “Violet minding!” He’s been waiting for the right job to come along! Emmett’s chapters will come when you’re ready.

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  5. My heart goes out to you. There’s no need to go into those details. DM is a horrendous disease and people can look it up on Vet MD if they want to know more.
    That disease and those last few days will NEVER define Emmett; he was perfect EVERY single day of his life. That’s all we need to remember.
    Emmett came into your life when he was most needed and left when he knew that you would have Violet to love and help you heal.
    It’s obvious from those photos that Cooper was always meant to have a child to protect and love. He has truly come into his own, and Emmett and Lucas helped get him to that place.

    Emmett had a great life, that must be your consolation. He had a family and was loved and appreciated by everyone who knew him or knew of him.
    We should ALL be so lucky.

    The hurt never leaves but eventually it becomes less sharp. It just takes however long it takes.
    Peace to you all

    Leslie, Freya & Wishbone

    Reply

    • Thank you so much for those incredibly kind words, Leslie. That means so much to me, and I’m so grateful you took the time to share your words of encouragement. Thank you so, so much. Big hugs to you and scritches for Freya and Wishbone!

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  6. I certainly understand the need to not revisit that time in your life. It’s too painful. It was so hard for me when BJC passed. She wasn’t sick – just old, so I certainly didn’t go through the travails that you went through with Emmett. But I was crushed when she died, and I really wasn’t sure if I could go on with my blog. I think a new chapter is a great idea. Cooper and Violet – the dynamic duo – ready for new adventures. Let’s go!

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    • I love that! The Dynamic Duo! I can only imagine what they’ll get up to once Violet is mobile… 🙂

      I miss BJC, too. I think many people do because of your kindness sharing her life and story. Hugs to you, Vicki.

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  7. My heart goes out to you, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you right now, and how conflicting your emotions are. Joy over Violet, and Cooper finally finding his purpose, and grief over Emmett. Fate just gave him the sh*tty end of the stick. As others have said, DM is an insidious disease, and no-one deserves it, least of all a soul so sweet and caring as Emmett. Write about it when/if you are ready. Sending you as much love as I can.

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  8. Cooper looks like he is absolutely the superhero in his new role as violet protector/companion, congrats!!! The old adage seems to apply…necessity is the mother of invention, or when needed we step up. Either way congrats on Coopers outstanding performance. I am sorry about Emmett, he seemed through this blog like a really really great dog/friend/family member/breed ambassador. I imagine that after his tremendous and long fight beating illness he must have been pretty tired in the end. Kudos to the outstanding life and fight he lived and you shared through this blog. I wish him a great rest, and wish you all peace. Time heals, it just seems to take forever, I sang when I was grieving and it really helped to express my grief in a beautiful way, violet may like it too!

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    • Thank you SO much! I couldn’t be more proud of Cooper and his unexpected leap into this role! I really appreciate you saying that!!

      And your point about time… so true. Hard, but true. Thank you for the reminder. <3

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  9. Jodi hit it right….the conflicting emotions are so difficult. The future and present is exciting and joyful, yet the pains of the past losses still linger. I don’t know a whole lot about DM but I know enough to imagine how difficult that must have been.
    Some of us find it better to write about our grief and the pain and get it out, some do better to just put it aside and not dwell on it. You do what works best for you. Some day the time might be right. I have a story about our late Lab mix Maggie that I think I should tell, that sometimes I want to tell…..13 years later I still can’t do it.

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    • Oh, goodness, Jan. I had no idea. Well, maybe Maggie’s story is like Emmett’s… just waiting for the right time and place to be told. Hugs to you.

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  11. The sad truth is you’ll never stop missing Emmett. The pain just mellows in time.

    But I’m so happy that you are feeling joy in the Cooper chapter. And while it is sad that Violet will grow up never knowing Emmett, she’s creating lifetime memories with her very own minder, Cooper.

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  12. I’m so sorry about the loss of Emmett, it sucks when your heart won’t stop aching. I love that Cooper is so great with Violet, she is very lucky – Copper will love her and protect her for the rest of his life! That photo collage is so beautiful and sweet. You’ll write about Emmett when you’re ready.
    Love & Biscuits,
    Dogs Luv Us and We Luv Them

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  13. I didn’t know Emmett. He and my dog Puddin’ were featured the same year in the Pinups for Pit bull’s calendar. I always felt a connection with him because of that. I lost Puddin’ in 2015. I’m sorry about Emmett. The world of the Elderbull is a special one. Peace.

    Reply

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