This post is {technically} the 1,000th post on my little blog!
I say {technically} because, well, technically there were a whole bunch more before I had a backup system in place. And, as usually happens when there’s no backup system in place, I lost a whole bunch of posts–some in draft form, some published–during a bizarre WordPress glitch a couple years ago.
But, for today’s purposes, it’s the 1,000th post!
Woot!
Today is also three months since we lost Lukey. Three months. It feels like forever and an instant. I miss him. Oh, man, do I miss him. Sure, the sadness is less acute, less crushing, with each passing day, but it’s still there, a constant, dull ache reminding me how different our lives are without him.
Today also, if all goes according to plan, will mark for me three cancer-free years. I’ve been running to and from checkups and appointments and CT scans all week, and today’s the last one, the big one with the oncologist who looks at all that data and declares if there’s evidence or no evidence of disease. Again, forever and an instant.
Time is funny like that.
Other milestones:
While I was out of town, Newt decided to snuggle Emmett. Neither of them are snugglers. It was a rare, brief moment but a major milestone.
Speaking of Emmett, I’ve mentioned in passing a couple times that his hearing is going. In a weird way, something I need to dig into deeper, it’s profoundly altering his relationship with Cooper. I know I’m prone to exaggeration, but this is truly profound. Until recently… maybe when we lost Lukey? maybe we didn’t notice Emmett’s hearing loss because we were so focused on Lucas?… Emmett always treated Cooper like an obnoxious baby brother. If he needed to be knocked down a peg or two, Emmett would knock him down. Now, with Emmett’s hearing swiftly declining, he’s looking to Cooper for guidance. Noticeably. I call them to come in from the yard; Cooper dashes at top speed toward the door; Emmett watches Cooper, then follows suit. I ask them to go to their mats for dinner; Emmett doesn’t move; he watches Cooper go to his mat; Emmett gets up and goes to his mat. He even doesn’t seem to hear the garage door anymore, so if one of us gets home, Cooper hears the door and rushes to the back with Emmett dashing over a few seconds later.
It’s been a dramatic shift, a major milestone in their relationship.
You guys know me: I overthink nearly everything. There’s something about milestones that kicks my overthinking into overdrive. These ones, each in its own way, opened up entirely new channels to overthink.
After 1,000 posts, am I on course? Do I need to make any changes? What, at this stage in grieving our loss, do I need to do to keep moving forward? I’ve been collecting bits for a scrapbook; am I closer to being able to actually make the dang thing? How are their changing relationships affecting how we manage them and their behavior?
So many milestones, all at once.
Any milestones for you lately? Do you tend to overthink big moments like this? Or are you more dog-like than I and busy living in the moment?
Here’s hoping everything goes well for you at your final checkup. Sending you positive energy!!
1000th Post: Awesome! (Also, tell me what you do to back your stuff up!)
Losing Lukey: So sorry. I wish I could say the ache goes away, but I’m also glad that it doesn’t.
Cancer Free: Huzzah! Show those little mutineers who’s boss!
Snuggling: Always surprising when it happens!
Emmett and Cooper: Sad, profound, interesting. Sorry, Don’t know what else to say.
Your blog is going great from this end!
My Milestones:
Started my own blog after years of SOMEONE strongly hinting that I should…
Wow, this is a big day! Some of them are huge YAYs! I am an over-thinker also. A, must make more plans to achieve what may happen. But I have learned that wirh grief, it leads you util you lead it. There is not grey area. One day, the power shift occurs and although it is always a part of you, you know that you are in front. Sending you much love and congrats for your three years and 1,000 posts!!
I so understand the 3-month milestone! We just passed the 5-month point since Callie’s passing. And I don’t think I could describe the way it feels to me any better than you have in this post. And, yes, I tend to overthink everything too. You’re definitely NOT alone in that regard.
You are in my prayers, my friend. I hope that you will get the best of reports from the oncologist today! And three years cancer-free is definitely a milestone to celebrate!
As for the blog itself? All I can say is continue to do what feels right to YOU. If you feel changes are due, try them on for size and see if they fit. If they do, go for it! If not, then go back to what does fit. It’s YOUR blog. And I love it just the way it is, because you “do it true”.
PS. We each have our own way of grieving, and eventually moving forward. For me, it has been two steps forward and one back at times. It still hurts, like a machete going through my heart; but sometimes it’s a dull ache and other times it’s a sharp fresh stab. I will miss her forever, or at least until senility erases my memories.
I really enjoy your blog and your writing style. Sending you positive thoughts on your three year check up, hope you get the all clear!!! It is funny (odd) to notice changes like hearing loss in your pet. My friends cat became hard of hearing with old age, so when I would feed her when my friend was out of town I always stomped hard on the floor when I came in, she could feel the vibrations and knew I was there. Thanks again for this insightful and entertaining blog.
There are just no words to describe the loss of Lukey. I always hesitate to say it because I’m not sure your background but there is a book I clung to for the first 7 months and continue to revisit even several years later. It’s called “Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates”. Another book, background unimportant 😉 I wish I had known about was “Pet Crazy”. It helped me realize my intense emotions were not so unusual. This was also the case when I met a few people at the Women in the Pet Industry’s conference who specialize in pet grief.
The transition in their health, like hearing loss, losing eye sight and so much more can be difficult especially on the heels of the loss. They are so resilient though. I think it’s sweet to hear how he is now relying on his “younger brother”.
On a lighter note: Congratulations on your blogging milestone and cancer free milestone!!!
That certainly is a lot to think – overthink – about. I hope the good milestones can take away from some of the pain over Lukey. Even more, I hope you got good news at your appointment!
I always enjoy your posts. This one feels especially significant. Tomorrow is the 2nd year anniversary of my mom’s death and a few days after will be the 1 year anniversary of my dad’s death. Their decline was sad and difficult and their deaths were a release in many ways and… it comes and goes…. sadness, regret, memories. Life is such a complex journey. Congratulations on being cancer free. Your “over thinking” is a blessing to many of us. Thank you.