I wrote this post while staring down at my belly button… please forgive its length and self-absorption.
When John started his new job, one of the benefits was a spousal life insurance policy. So, of course, I filled out the paperwork.
And got turned down. For life insurance. Why? Because, and I’m paraphrasing here, at this point in my life, it’s still statistically more likely that I will die from cancer than not.
Truthfully, I’ve been doing okay with all this by simply putting one foot in front of the next, by focusing on one step and one action at a time. Keep moving forward. But that? That was a bummer.
I’ve lost a lot of things to cancer, in addition to my life insurance policy qualifications: I’ve lost hair. I’ve lost weight (which I gained back double… sigh). I’ve lost lymph nodes. I’ve lost the integrity of some relationships that I thought were one thing but cancer proved that they were another. I’ve lost sharing Lukey’s golden years with him because it’s going to take him too soon. It’s always too soon.
I’ve also lost the desire to pour my energy into things that aren’t really my problem. I’ve lost the self-absorption (this post notwithstanding) that allows negativity to seep in and leak out over day-to-day stuff. I’ve lost the ability to tell the dogs “not now” when they shove my fingers off the keyboard asking for a walk because from now on it will always and forever be “sure, let’s go.”
I’ve gained perspective on my priorities. I’ve always tried to be a positive person, but now I’m a grateful person, too. I hope so anyway. I’m naturally introverted, phone averse, and shy, but I’ve gained a bit of confidence that, I also hope, has made me a better friend.
(Except, Erin, if you’re reading this today… I’m so sorry Grace’s gift is still on my desk… no excuse but the aforementioned navel gazing… and post office aversion…)
Anyway, last night on his twice daily jaunt up and down our street, Lucas lost traction. He stopped to catch his breath, then he laid down in the neighbor’s backyard.
Among all the things I’ve lost and will lose to cancer, the most devastating is my Lucas. I’ve always said that if Emmett is my heart dog, Lucas is my soul dog. (Cooper is my little co-dependent angel, but that’s a story for another day. Actually, several of you thoughtful friends have asked how Cooper’s doing with all this. I’ll write that update for Friday.)
Recently, someone suggested that maybe I was being too positive in my posts about all this, that maybe I needed to share the hard stuff, too. I get that. But the thing is, it’s all hard. All of it. Every single second of it. Every wag of his tail. Every rest stop on a short around-the-block walk. Every song he sings. Every stuffie he snatches from Coop and shreds on the living room floor. It’s all hard. That’s not what I want to focus on. Today’s post I think will be it. Because focusing on the road ahead won’t allow us to focus on the moment, the right now, the joy he gets from those short neighborhood hops and toy shredding sessions. The only way I want to move forward is by staying in this exact moment, one little hop at a time.
Promise to lift my eyes up from my navel very soon. In the meantime, thanks for being here, and I hope you’re having a wonderful week.
One last note. A favor, really. There are too many friends, too many dogs facing down cancer right now. It’s unfair. When you’re thinking your happy thoughts or saying your prayers for today, please think of our friends Callie and Maggie, a good news diagnosis for Honey, and for our human friends Jeff and Sara.
It stuns me to think of all the furbabies and their humans that are fighting that big effing C word right now and it makes me angry. I will continue to pray that God’s healing white light surrounds your family. Thinking of you and Lukey and Emmett and Cooper.
Your strength and grace constantly surprise me. Only you could be so generous, so patient and so steadfast with your optimism. You’re a true example of goodness, even in the face of not-so-good.
Sending love and hugs to everyone! Those are bloggers we also follow.
I hate cancer, it is a terrible thing. Last summer a very close family friend, practically family, was diagnosed with breast cancer in both breasts. A group of us to help support her ran fundraisers and cut our hair as short as we were willing to go, mine was a tight pixie cut for a while. LoL
Anyways, she pulled through and had a happy ending. But the part that got me was she smiled her whole way through, even the ugly parts and had such a great sense of humor and joy. Never give up on the joy, and keep that optimism with you all the time! It’s way better than the alternative. <3 <3 <3
It is too much…there are way too many people and dogs going through this right now. I hate it for all of you, and my thoughts are full of all of you.
You have every right to do some navel gazing, and we will be here supporting you whether you want to rail on about the injustice of it all, or look at things more positively.
I think taking things one moment at a time, and cherishing each and every one, is a good way to deal with it.
All our words to you are really bouncing around in our brain, and running through our hearts….we just can’t find the ones we want to say. I believe you are indeed on the path where you were supposed to be placed, there are not many out here in this harsh world that would take care of your dogs and love them, forever the way you do………….now we are worried our words are all wrong………so we are just going to stop and say a prayer instead, God always knows what we are really trying to say.
Prayers, hugs and strength.
Your Friends
Stella Rose, Margaret Mae, Angus Mc and their momma
I’ve been thinking of you and Lucas (and Emmett and Cooper, too). Thank you for sharing – your grace and gratitude through this is admirable.
You are an inspiration, Maggie. Your strength and grace and self-awareness … your ability to focus on the things that matter and let the things that don’t slide by … your dedication, devotion, and love for your boys and Newt. I only hope that I can be more like you when life’s challenges land on my doorstep.
Your words obviously hit home with me – like a punch in the gut actually. But thanks for the reminder. I”m going to go do whatever Maggie wants – which is probably have dinner…who cares if it’s only 3pm here.
I feel you Maggie. I’ll tell you right now, choosing to focus on the positive is right. Choosing to see each day or hour, as half full, is good. It’s productive. We embrace reality with clear eyes rather than rose-colored glasses because we already know life is hard. Animal companions are wonderful, but I feel there is something uniquely special about the human-dog connection. And for introverts like us, I also believe we experience the highs and lows of that connection more deeply than others. At least that is how it’s been for me with Cleo. Email me if you ever want to talk more, I’m phone averse too. xoxo
This is such a touching post and it makes me want to hug you and rush home to hug my dogs too. I think many times I get so self-absorbed by the crappy things that happen in my life and then I read something like this and it puts things into perspective and reminds me to appreciate every minute I have with the people I love.
Now I’m off to hug my dogs. Especially Rodrigo, because he’s not feeling well.
Thank you for the prayer request on Callie’s behalf, and Maggie’s, Honey’s, Jeff’s, and Sara’s behalfs too. You know I’m keeping you, John, Emmett, Lucas, and Cooper in my prayers as well.
I’ve been trying, too, to focus on the right now, especially where it concerns Callie. I can’t let myself get stuck in the negative possibilities. I can’t help her fight this damn effing disease if I don’t keep positive thoughts in my own head. I still need to write/publish my own post about Callie’s battle, but I’ve been trying to keep all 3 dogs happy and occupied. Ducky spent the day at daycare, but I was so worn out from the insanity of these last seven days that I just needed to chill out. Yes, it is all hard. But we have a great bunch of people cheering us on and praying with and for us.
Have a good evening and give your boys hugs from me and kisses from my girls. Thank YOU for being an inspiration and a friend!
The NOW!!! YES!!! Thank you for that reminder. Dash can be so whiny and Lilly is so clingy that I get frustrated with them so easily. Thanks for making me think twice about enjoying the now. (And when I tell them, not now, what do they do? wait and come back to ask again a few minutes later!! They are reminding me to be present too!!)
If there’s one main thing we learned from Abby’s cancer it’s to try to live in the now. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow so we all have to make the most of today. Even though we learned that, it’s good to be reminded! It’s so hard when so many are going through this right now. Sending out positive thoughts!
So many of us wish we could do more, fix the hurts and heal the sadness for all of you going through this right now. I know I’m not the only one typing through tears while sending prayers for strength and healing of the body and spirit. It’s a good reminder for all of us to enjoy those special moments each day no matter what struggles we’re facing.
you amaze me! A beautiful posting. Love the pictures of Lucas!
You have so much heart, Maggie. I’m supposed to be writing my own dang book right now but I can barely see my keyboard through the tears. Everything you are doing makes sense- one step in front of another, spoiling, loving, sharing. If I was closer to you, I’d come give you a hug. But since I’m not I’ll send you a virtual hug and tell you that you inspire me.
I’ve been exactly where you are right now and I know how much it sucks. It’s all worth all of the love though. Every minute of it. Sending love to you all.