Editor’s Note: This is a guest post written by Sharon of GrouchyPuppy. This is an especially meaningful post to me as this is something I’ve been dealing with as Emmett has started to encounter many age-related health problems. Thank you, Sharon, for contributing an open, thoughtful post about this important topic.
In the movie The Shawshank Redemption there is a key moment near the end when you hear Morgan Freeman’s voice say the phrase: “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” You don’t see his lips move but hear his deep distinct voice inside your head. I’ve seen that movie several times and that is a favorite scene. The movie came on TV recently and once again the words resonated, only this time when I heard them I was looking down at my old dog lying at my feet. As the credits rolled, my eyes teared up as I had one of those aha moments.
The first time I realized that I was stricken by anticipatory grief was over two years ago. My dog was showing signs of aging but otherwise life was good, then suddenly she developed diabetes. The toll on her big Shepherd-Husky body showed. Overnight the aging process sped up, and before we knew it she lost her vision from cataracts.
Managing her diabetes had us radically changing our life. My husband and I rarely go anywhere together because someone needs to be with her. In the beginning we had an elderly dog walker who was willing to keep Cleo with her for a day or two, and was comfortable giving her insulin injections. Unfortunately she retired. With Cleo’s complete blindness we now schedule our days so one of us is home.
Why did I react differently this time when Red had his own aha moment, and uttered those words? While I thought I had successfully gotten past my anticipatory grief over a year ago, I realized it was a lie. As I looked down at my sweet old dog, I knew that for months now I was seeing Cleo as if she was busy dying, rather than busy living.
She will eventually leave this world. Cleo is an old dog, and I can’t change that, but why was I skipping to the end? Our experiences togethers are pages and chapters in a book. What joy is there in reading a good book when you jump ahead to the ending? You miss turning all those pages, and experiencing the journey and story as it unfolds. As I thought about Cleo in this context, and the current chapter we’re in, I felt better. Our time together felt natural again.
I realized that if I stay busy living my life with Cleo, I will have many more memories to carry with me until we meet again. So for anyone else out there living with an older dog, or one whose time here is coming to an end, take heart, I believe Morgan Freeman is onto something.
Have you ever or are you currently experiencing anticipatory grief for a dog? How have you managed it? Any tools or resources you’d recommend to others?
Resources:
- The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement website http://aplb.org
- You Are Not Alone – Experiencing Loss Today — http://www.lifeanddog.com/you-are-not-alone-experience-loss-today/
About the author: Sharon Castellanos is a long-time blogger, marketing and communications professional, and occasional consultant. In addition to founding the award winning GrouchyPuppy dog blog in 2010, she is an Editor for LIFE+DOG where she contributes regularly with a byline and without.
“Anticipatory grief!” Oh my goodness, it has a name! We are not even close to that stage, but I occasionally think out our lives together and end up in tears for what seems to be no reason. I love that phrase, anticipatory grief.
Debra I’m so glad this helped you. Knowledge is power and now I bet you’ll be that much more prepared when these emotions come knocking.
I know for me having this term in my back pocket has helped tremendously. Whenever I feel gloomy because some new marker related to Cleo’s end shows up, the length of time I spend being sad and down is short and shallow — that is empowering.
All the best to you
Yes 🙁 For my 11 year old boxer. She has pre-arthritis (as our vet says), gets grayer each day, and her body can’t do what her head wants her too (she tried to jump in the car the other day and fell on her back.) Hurts my heart to think about. With 2 other dogs and 2 young kids, she stays active, but I’m definitely making a mental note to keep on living as she continues to age.
Ugh Kaitlin that has to be hard on your heart to witness, I’m sorry. This is exactly why I wrote a post once using the term “roller coaster” because that is exactly how it feels on my heart and emotions. They get squeezed in fear one day, then lifted during a tender or happy moment. It can be exhausting.
My best to you and your beloved Boxer. It nice to read that she has good human and canine buddies to keep her company.
Hershey is only four and I’ve tortured myself with the thought of her death practically since I got her. “Years and years” I plead with her; “Years and years.”
After we adopted Cleo I quickly fell in love with her big bossy Shepherd-Husky self. I’ll tell you Erik, it was as if a childhood stuffed animal came to life. Love your Hershey but try if you can to learn from her, living in the moment rather than the future.
Enjoy your days with her, savor her positive influence over your life. I will never forget the first time I looked Cleo in the eye and said, “thank you.” It felt good trying to let her know that I appreciated everything we were experiencing – that I wouldn’t let her down by letting my fears of the future color our time together today.
I believe one of the benefits of the human-animal bond is the meaningful impact a dog can have on us, don’t you agree Erik?
OMD, I had no idea what it was called, but I’ve been having this with Sampson for quite a while now. For the most part he is in good health and so happy but I look down at that sweet white face and think, I have less time left with him then I’ve had WITH him. I can literally dissolve into a puddle just thinking about this.
I’m going to do my best to start enjoying our lives and stop worrying about the end. Thanks for such a beautiful post and for naming my grief.
Jodi – the human-animal bond is real so it’s natural that we’d fear anything that could diminish or sever it – including a death we know will happen.
Once I accepted my inevitable loss, I began concentrating on the quality of our time together. I found that focusing on stockpiling good memories, happy outings, funny photos, and quiet moments soaking up her softness – I’m less fearful of the future.
Smooches to Sampson and if you ever feel you need support, please reach out. You are not alone.
What a sensitive and wonderful post. I’ve had one percolating for a while on how we grieve twice for our dogs–once when they get a diagnosis and later when they finally pass.
I’ll spend some time pondering your comments on getting busy living.
It’s such a personal journey Pamela isn’t it? It’s interesting because for most of us, it’s simply a diagnosis known as “old age” but that is why this time with Cleo has been extra special for me. It has made me much more aware of appreciating my 80-year-old parents.
I look forward to reading your post.
This is such a great post, and something anyone with a senior dog should read! I experienced some of that anticipatory grief last fall, when our 13 year old beagle started to really slow down, showing signs of his age. Then he bounced back for a while, and we made the most of that time. His next downturn was fairly quick, we took him to the vet on a Tuesday because he had little appetite and had been vomiting (off and on) and just over a week later he was gone. We made the best of that time and I’m so glad that I am left with happy memories of our last few months together.
Jan you hit the nail on the head exactly! Thank you for sharing.
Gosh, I am treating Hobie like that every day (with anticipatory grief) for a couple years, too. Thank you for pointing this out, bringing this up…. I’m going to really try harder to get busy living with my senior dog! Thank you!