Some days, I get frustrated with the boys.
After five awesome walks, Lucas lunges and snaps at another dog on that sixth walk. While I take two minutes to empty the dishwasher, Cooper crawls under the bed to shred the bottom of our mattress. Emmett decides to drag me across a conference room where we’re presenting about therapy dogs just to get to the buffet table in the back.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to them, just for a couple minutes. No luring, shaping, clicking, rewarding, hand signaling, or anything. Just two minutes to speak to them and have them understand me.
Off the cuff, this is about what I’d say to each of them…
Emmett: You are a wonderful boy. My angel. But please stop pulling me everywhere. Oh, and don’t eat whatever junk you find on the floor, on the counters, in the park. I promise that I will never, ever let you starve and will continue to give you tons of treats, but please stop eating whatever crap catches your nose.
Lucas: You are a sweet, darling teddy bear. Please let other people and dogs see that. I promise that I will always keep you safe, but stop lunging and snapping at other dogs. If you can be as nice and friendly outside as you are inside, we can go to the park every day, instead of just when no one else is there.
Cooper: If you stop chewing up our furniture, rugs, baseboards, clothes, sheets, and anything else that’s ours and not yours, I will take you to the pet store and let you pick out your own toys. Seriously. For the love, please stop. Oh, and don’t eat grass or mulch. You know how your stomach gets upset every couple of days? You’re doing it to yourself, buddy. Knock it off.
And then I’d use the balance of my two minutes to gush over how much I love them. 🙂
If you had two minutes to talk to your dog – and he/she/they would understand you in English, without having to teach or train or reward – what would you say?
You post had me laughing & tearing up 🙂 I do not know that I could squeeze everything into 2 minutes, but it would be great to give it a shot.
Wow, love this, its easy for me.
Bella dear, you do not have to live in fear. I will protect you with all the power that is in me. I love you so much and I want you to be able to enjoy life and get out more. And Daisy just wants to play with you. Playing is fun! Give in a little.
Daisy honey, you are so much fun! But, if you would stick closer and have better recall the world would really open up to you. Just say no to the leash! I won’t take your squirrel hunting away from you. And, your sister doesn’t want to play everyday, so give her a break, ok?
Ooooh, I didn’t even think about discussing recall! I think I’d have to have to throw that into my convo with Lucas! And Cooper for good measure!
I am always talking to my dogs. And I never give up hope that maybe someday they will understand me!
This was a great one Maggie. Earlier today I found myself looking in Scout’s eyes and saying – “Why do you do these things?! What makes you need to unroll a box of trash bags and distribute them one by one throughout the house? Don’t I give you everything you want? Don’t I get up and let you run in and out 1,000 times a day? You have dozens of toys all over the house. Leave my things alone!” I refrained from the lecture on how good she has it compared to other dogs — this time.
Oh boy. Where to begin???
Emmett- I promise that we won’t forget to feed you. Ever. Hasn’t happened yet, not going to happen. There’s really no need to gorge yourself on anything and everything. Especially if it’s on the counter. That’s our stuff. Ditto for candles.
Lucas- That dog doesn’t want to hurt you or us. Neither does that one. Or that one. That one weighs four pounds, no threat there. The FedEx guy?? He’s delivering work for us so that your bowl will always be full. See above. We appreciate your vigilance, and if ever someone were to try and break in, we know you’d keep us safe. But the Jimmy John’s guy is totally cool. I promise.
Cooper- You are SO lucky you’re cute. I know you’re a puppy and you’re still learning, but grass doesn’t count as food. I know you’re just as food crazy as Emmett, but ask him about what I told him. You know how you hate being in your crate? Well, little guy, the day you stop destroying things with Maggie and I sitting right in front of you is the day you no longer have to be in your crate. The ball is in your court.
All three of you- I love you.
I wouldn’t want to talk to Holly– I’d want to ask (I’m presuming that in this imaginary scenario, the dogs can respond in English as well). I’d ask her why she licks her heartworm medication, then rolls in it. I’d ask her why the Irish Wolfhounds make her go bananas every time they walk by. I’d ask her what the deal is with her crazy S-and-M-like relationship with Boots (our dogwalker’s dog). Why does she hate water? And why does she prefer tug-of-war to fetch? Why does she feel the need to jump on everything and everyone? And what does she dream about that makes her howl in her sleep?
Xander, I love you & will do everything I can so that you’ve a long happy life. Your cooperation will help & is necessary.
So I asked the hubby what he would say: “Xander NEVER go into a road!!!! …..And I love you!” I told him that I had that & more covered in what I said.
Thanks! This was great.
These are such great responses!
@Sarah, Me too! I’m starting to suspect that they “selectively” understand what I’m saying to them…
@Skye, GREAT idea to ask questions!! You could probably solve a lot of problems with a few good answers!
@Spyder, I love it! Fave line, “Your cooperation will help & is necessary.”
Diamond, I love you and you’re an awesome puppy. You don’t need to be scared, and you don’t need to bark at anyone who comes to the door, or pulls into the driveway. We’ve got this one, we’ll keep you safe. Also, the baths and the spray and the hydrocortizone, those are to stop you from itching. I know you don’t like it, but it will make you feel better. And please, please, make sure not to scratch your eye. Being n a cone for weeks at a time is a direct result of that. Also, you will get longer walks if you don’t pull. The stopping and starting every couple minutes is taking up your valuable strolling and sniffing time.
Thomas does not want to play with you. Random neighbor kitties also do not want to play with you, even though Haley does.
Finally, you would probably experience a lot fewer tummy troubles if you would stop eating pens.
THANK YOU for posting this. I was beginning to think that I was a big fail as a dog mommy because my dogs aren’t perfect. 🙂
Kona: Dear sweet Kona. We love you, but you are so FREAKING loud when you guys play. I know you guys like to wrestle and it’s totally fine, but the loudness is getting in the way of watching Real Housewives of New Jersey and honestly we need to have our priorities straight.
Kenai: It has been an amazing 3 years having you as a part of our family, but you know the cat you met on day 1? It’s still the same cat on day 1095 and we all would appreciate you not trying to stop his heart by waking from a deep sleep to go chase him down the stairs. Seriously, he’s 10, he’s not that interesting.
Both of you: Fireworks, diesel trucks, people walking their dogs, rabbits, birds and the wind blowing through the trees are not signs of the apocalypse and there is no need to run around the house barking hysterically. You just look silly.
Phew that felt good 😉
@KellyK, Hilarious!
@Kim, I totally understand… these guys are not even close to perfect, and while I try to be really patient, some days I fail! I love your message to both! “You just look silly.” Awesome!
“Fireworks, diesel trucks, people walking their dogs, rabbits, birds and the wind blowing through the trees are not signs of the apocalypse and there is no need to run around the house barking hysterically. You just look silly. ”
Ha! I love this.
Chill, the world is not going to crumble! 🙂
Actually whenever I’m about to strangle my rescue dog, I write about it in my blog: http://dogmessages.blogspot.com/. It’s all about what I’d say to him if I could, and sometimes I write from his point of view, and it really helps me understand why he does things, really putting myself in his paws. I highly recommend it =).
I talk to my two dogs constantly and they understand the sound of both Italian and English language as we live in UK but I was born in Italy.
I tell them that, unlike my partner, I actually love when they bark (as long as is not at night)…..and I tell them that people is nasty when they blow fireworks knowing that animals do suffer and get scared because of it but they should not worry as I am there to make sure everything is right…and I tell them they look gorgeous and how much I love them all the time.
I believe they understand the positive meaning of the messages and, a bit like people and plants, do like to hear those things very much